Written @ 12:07 p.m. on 2007-06-28
Doldrums
Hellacious visit from the depression beast. I expected to be working and bringing in the dough right now. I am not. I am waiting for, as my new business buddies call it, "an opportunity". I think of a boat full of pirates waiting for a breeze in the doldrums. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH! is right.
I've been having the nightmares, and then I had an extremely heavy period, and I just slept all one night, pretty much the whole day yesterday, and all night last night too. That is not normal. I told B. I didn't want to marry him. I told him I have an extreme thing for BoSo, although I haven't acted on it. I told him I was totally broke and I didn't know what we were going to do. I accused him of being responsible for everything. I told him to go away and never come back! I think my head spun all the way around a bunch of times. He calmly dealt with every blow, and refused to leave. We talked about everything. We worked it out. He is the most amazing man. I don't know why he puts up with my shit. He knows all about the BoSo situation now, and although he is not happy, at least he knows. B. says he will accept this aspect of me, as long as I don't act on anything more than friendship. So that's where we stand. What is one to do when one loves two men? I love them as I love my children, individually and fiercly. I have chosen B., though, and I will remain faithful. I don't lie, and I don't cheat. What I do is this tortured, victorian aching thing, which is lame to the extreme.
Everything about me is so lame right now. I want a life do-over.
B. encourages me to do my art. He feels that there is a future there for me, and a great expressive outlet. Melissa, another great sounding board, reminds me to get outside. I remind myself that in a few months my situation will be totally different. We all go through rough times. I am too old to go around every time things get tough, throwing my wrist to my brow, and swooning dead away.
The children are such stellar individuals, they are a great source of joy. When I think I am a failure, I look at how cool they are and feel accomplished. They are kind, smart, healthy and curious. They came home from their father's house with recorders, and have been fluting all over the apartment.
I am astounded by B. I have never been loved so unconditionally. I hope he doesn't change his mind about me. I would understand if he does. Perhaps, on some level, I push him away to test him. He passes every test. He is a miracle.
I am a turd.