Written @ 9:16 a.m. on 2007-04-17
15 reasons I'm happy
So, I am deliriously happy in all aspects of my life. I thought maybe I ought to make a list of the things that are supporting this happiness,so, later, god forbid, when I'm wondering why I'm miserable, I can refer to the list and consider it scientificly.
1.) My children are so punk rawk. Healthy, smart, cool to hang out with.
2.) My mom is proud of me (for not jumping off a bridge 2 years ago).
3.) My boyfriend is not sneaky. I don't have to wonder if he's up to no good. That saves a lot of energy. A LOT.
4.) My boyfriend doesn't try to control me. I have this...we could call it a streak...where I feel compelled to do odd things because I get bored. Like, dred my hair, or become a rafting guide, or quit my good paying corporate job with no backup, or get a bunny,or throw a party for P.'s birthday in the wrestling ring, or rent a big truck and drive it around little narrow city streets. B. is the only person who is never surprised or put off by this. He just rolls with it. Ok, he was surprised when I quit my job, but he wasn't mad.
Every other person in my life, at one point or another, said,"Hil! You just CAN'T DO THAT!" and pulled their hair and made pouty faces. My x had a 20 page list of things I was not allowed to do. NO MORE! I can do it. Watch me.
5.)I have money in the bank. I wish I could tell my generation that living within one's means is really cool. I have a ten year old car. I don't have cable. I never eat in restaurants that like, serve alcohol and have hostesses. I buy everything I can used. I like to make stuff myself. I stay out of the mall. I don't have credit cards. When bills come, I pay them and I still have grocery money every week. I'm not picking which bills I can pay this month. That is just wicked! Wow. Yeah. That is cool. I feel like a millionaire and I make under 30k. I probably feel better than a millionaire because I don't worry about money. See, my "starving time" was educational. I can live on a dozen eggs, ramen, and one of those cheap bags of bruised apples.
6.)I am healthy. I've been pretty sick last year, manifestations of unexpressed anger, so I'm appreciating my health.
7.) I love my apartment.
8.) My bunny adds to my happiness, and my indoor garden. Life brings joy. People freak out about politics and the state of the world, but the small things...children, bunnies, gardens, are still growing and that makes me feel secure.
9.)Lots and lots and lots of sex.
10.)My x has stopped trying to take my kids. Well, not stopped, but he is much less effective. I stopped making his life my life. The fact that he is freaking out doesn't mean I have to freak out. If he lies, I'm no longer surprised or disappointed. I don't have to act on every transgression. He's not going to change, and I work on thinking about him as little as possible. Ignore a bully.
11.) I know it's cheesy, but I am really into "The Secret". I have been using positive visualization and enjoying the benefits. I don't sit and ponder all of the "what ifs" anymore. Problems will make themselves known, I don't have to search for them. I try to keep my mind on the things I'm grateful for.
It seems, in my circle, being positive is really uncool. When I was working at the tattoo shop, a 12 year old kid walked up to me and said,"You can't be a tattoo artist. You look like you work at Aetna." I love the goth aestetic, but I've had enough misery in my life to appreciate flowers, bunnies, and sunshine. You all have fun with your hard drugs and cutting. I've exited the "misery contest".
Off Topic Aside: Children, Hot Topic is not punk rock. Step. Away. From. The. Mall. You. Are. Not. Scary. I did get a cool shirt there, though. It says,"I see that you are gangster. I'm pretty gangster myself." Hahaha! I'm a soccer mom. I shop at Hot Topic. Get it?
12.) I've stopped dealing with dumb people. My dad has been really dumb lately. I still love him, but we don't hang out. My corporate job wanted me to set up a "goal chart" because my time of having customers on hold went up 25 secs one week. That's dumb. I told them, and removed myself. I realized that I can do that. I don't have to stay and fight. I can split and find greener pastures. That's been life changing.
13.)I cut out the pointless media chatter in my life. No cable. Rarely watch movies. Don't read the paper. I don't have peer pressure. That's been GREAT. I worry about stuff, but like a lot of people, I was hearing about bad news and trash 24/7. Detoxing that stuff has really helped me to be happier. I read the New York Times Magazine, and listen to the radio in the car. That's enough.
14.) I am more gentle with myself. I know that I am strong, but I don't walk around without a coat in winter, I don't berate myself mercilessly, I avoid gross gas station restrooms. If I'm tired, I sleep. If I'm hungry, I eat. I decided that I deserve a little bit of respect and consideration, just like anybody else. In my youth, I never considered my own needs. I expected other people to.
15.) I'm 27. It's a great age. I always knew it would be. Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway. There are lots of things left to do, but everything is not new and scary all the time.
I guess, if anyone ever reads this, I want to let you know, if you are going through hell, keep waking up and doing your best. That's all I did, and things got better.