Written @ 8:20 a.m. on 2007-04-27
Sorting it out

I cautiously dip my toe into the balanced, healthy relationship waters. I'm afraid of crocodiles.

B.-We need to talk about this.
H.-We do?

We talked. We love each other. It's bluebirds and sunbeams again. With my X I could talk about an issue for days, and never feel like I resolved anything. I kind of gave up on the idea. I am very afraid of ending up in another abusive relationship like that one. It's very scary to be loved.

Another part of me feels like, if "they" only knew, "they" would hate me. I feel very ashamed. My grandmother was in a very bad relationship and she used to talk about feeling ashamed, too. I was afraid that B. would think I was dirty or something because of the things I've been through. I was afraid that if his parents knew they wouldn't like me.

H.-You don't understand. I'm not like you. I haven't been safe, really, ever. I'm afraid if your parents knew I wasn't wholesome like they think I am...
B.- My parents know.
H.- WHAT? What do your parents know?!?
B.- That you were in a very bad marriage, that he lied and said that you were abusing them, and that you have had to work very hard to regain custody.
H- WHAT! Ohmygod. When did you tell them?
B.-Like, a long time ago. They love you, Hil. My mother invites you over for dinner like every day and my dad makes you candles all the time. He never gave my other girlfriends any candles.
H.- Really?

But, the thing is, even when I say the words of what happened...abuse, divorce, shelter, poverty, social services, losing custody...people don't imagine the pain of what it was really like. I imagine people can see the agony of my story in giant burn marks all over me. They can't. They don't see me waiting for my husband to come and kill me for two years, and the resulting bad choices, hyper vigilance, anxiety attacks, screaming and thrashing nightmares, and bone-crushing depression. They think, "Oh, sweetie, she had a bad divorce. Pass the peas?"

B.'s mom is a hairdresser and she was doing my hair and I said,"My x was very controlling."

She said,"I'd never let a man control me."

I had to take a deep breath and bite my lip. That's how people think it is, like the first day he said,"I've decided how you should wear your hair." Of course you would say,"Fuck you, see ya!"

It's more like,"I adore you. I love you. My life was nothing before you. I will give you everything. You are a goddess. Keep your hair short for me, so I can see your beautiful neck."

"Ok."

"Don't ever change it sweetheart."

"Well..."

"I heard your friends talking about you. They don't like you. I'm so sorry. I love you, even if they don't."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Forget them. They are jealous. They said you have ugly hair. I told them its ok because you have it short now."

"It was kind of ugly. Those bitches."

"I wouldn't hang out with them any more. It's up to you of course, but I want to be with you all the time."

"Ok."

"I paid for your haircuts for the next six months to keep you sexy. It's my friend Martha. I told her how I like it."

"You did? That's a lot of money..."

"Yeah, isn't that great?"

"Um, I guess."

"I love to pamper my baby. Come here and give me a kiss!"

"I can't believe my friends said that."

"Oh, yeah, and more, but I didn't want to upset you. I can't believe some people."

THAT is how it begins. It's so subtle at first you don't recognize it...until its too late and you are up to your eyeballs.

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