Written @ 9:30 p.m. on 2007-05-21
The details
So, B. tells me this is not the proposal that is BIG and includes a ring. This is the preproposal proposal. It was enough for me! I'm happy! I really don't need a ring at all.
This is how it happened. We were in the bedroom, snuggling but clothed. Naked proposals don't count. I've had several.
B. and I were talking about the future, what's going to happen with the wrestling training center (which does not turn a profit yet), the big shows that B. is going to be running and wrestling in, where we want to live and whether we want to have babies. I'm obsessed with future planning, lately. Where are we going? How are we going to get there? Where is my goal chart!?! How can I do my positive visualization without a goal chart!?! Yeah, a bit neurotic. B. says I'm a cross between Phoebe, the ditzy free hippy from Friends, and Rachel, the obsessive, neurotic one. WHAT? I'm not neurotic? You think I'm neurotic? What EXACTLY would make you say I'm neurotic? What exact neurotic behaviors do I have??? Exactly?!?!?
So, I'm asking B. where are we going, and he laid out a very good plan. I, of course, wanted every detail of our lifetime discussed before "rushing" into things. He was patient. He looked into my eyes and told me that he loves me, he is inspired by me and has never been happier than when we are together. He asked me if I would marry him, and I said,"Yes!" Well, that's not the proposal, he says. He needs to get a ring, and do it properly, because a proposal is a once in a lifetime thing, he told me. Can I tell my family, and call you my fiance while I'm waiting? He gave the ok on that.
The girls were falling asleep. I crept into their room where they were snuggled in their beds and I asked for their blessing. My elder daughter said,"Sure!" and the little one said,"It's ok with me, but of course it is really your decision."
My family is having a huge trip to florida next week to celebrate my nephew's first birthday. My family is never all together because my sister lives in Canada, my brother in Florida, my parents in upstate New York, and I'm in Pennsylvania. My mother has always dreamed of being able to take the whole family on a vacation, and this is it. My mom rented a whole house on a resort for us all to share. It looks really beautiful and swanky from the website! My grandmother has decided not to go in the last minute, and my mom just invited B. to take her place. So, yay! B. is going to meet AAAAAAALLLL my family, and we get to kiss on the beach! I am very excited, although my finances are much tighter right now than I expected. I'm still planning to have fun, and hug and kiss my little nephew a thousand times. We may be eating ramen noodles, but we will be eating them in FLORIDA with my new FIANCE! In Florida, he will ask my father's permission for my hand.
We have agreed already that our wedding invitations will have the universal heavy metal sign on them...you know, the hand raised with the index and pinky extended like devil's horns. Rawk!
Having had a disasterous marriage before, I feel like a hound dog on thin ice, but B. has been leading me patiently and steadily. I love him. I feel safe with him. He is creative, honest, responsible and patient. He has a wonderful family that adores me, and my girls. He holds me when I have nightmares and he encourages me when I face my waking challenges. He loves dogs and he doesn't mind my messes. He is the most positive and uncritical person I have ever met. I want to wake up to him every morning and go to sleep with him every night. I want to build an empire on strong footing. I want my girls to see a healthy marriage and a strong male role model. I want a long table with my loving family all around it, and I am building that dream.
I'm happy to live together and not be married, but to B. that doesn't feel right. He wants to declare his love and intentions before god, and although my knees tremble, truly in my heart, I know marriage will be right. B. is not my ex, is nothing like my ex, and I am not going to remain unmarried just because of my ex.
My goodness. I'm nervous and excited! I never imagined a future so happy!