Written @ 3:34 p.m. on 2007-06-06
Marilyn Manson

Yesterday I made some tearful revelations. It all started with Marilyn Manson. For those of you who might not know, he is a glam-goth rock star who wrote a book called The Long Hard Road Out of Hell. He likes to do shocking things, like look scary, and torture people, and worship Satan. I thought he was an interesting fellow, committed to being an expressive artist, and unfairly scapegoated because he was popular and threatening when the shootings at Columbine occurred.

Then I read his book, and I have completely changed my opinion of him. He prides himself on being a good writer, but he has a ghost writer named Neil Strauss. He likes to call himself a Satanist, which really has little to do with the devil, and, from what I can see, is more about being scary and manipulating people into doing whatever it is you want. Ok, I'm alright with getting whatever I want, but the Satanists I know seem to often want to hurt other people. Or pretend to hurt other people. Or pretend to want to hurt other people. If I were a master of mind control, as Satanism preaches is possible, I would want...pie. I guess that is just me. Point is, I'm not made happy by inflicting suffering.

So, having had respect for Manson, I was looking for a "kill your TV", "be yourself above all else", "consume less", "die for your art" kind of message. Instead I found, "I don't care about anyone because I'm a Satanist and a drug addict. I can be a complete ass because that makes me a rockstar and the fact that I am such an ass made you buy this book because you are fascinated by my antics."

So this made me think about me. I am a complete sell-out. It is not Manson, but ME who had the "kill your TV","be yourself above all else", "consume less", "die for your art" message. You didn't know that about me? EXACTLY!
No
One
Knows
That
About
Me
Because
I
Am
A
Fat
Lazy
Bastard
!!!!!
This is what happened. My ex put me down a lot and made me think that my principles are stupid. Then I lost my kids. I spent quite a lot of time making myself into what the powers that be wanted me to be so that I could get my kids back. I took the medicine they told me to, and stopped taking it when they told me to. I went to the useless therapy. I wore the clothes they expected. I smiled when they expected me to. I got the job and the tidy apartment and the tv and the stuffed animals that they expected me to. I got my kids back because I became the wholesome, trustworthy, two dimensional "mother" that they were looking for.

I gave up vegetarianism. I gave up Wicca. I gave up hiking and my natural lifestyle. I gave up writing and making art. I gave up reading and watching thoughtful movies.

I HAVE BECOME A LEMMING.

Ok, so I had a very good reason to become a lemming. I would have cut off my arm to get my kids back. It would have been easier than what I have been through. BUT, it has GOT TO MOTHER FUCKING STOP!

B. found me crying in a heap. I couldn't even explain what I was crying about, but I did my best. It is difficult, because he didn't know me "before". He's not even familiar with the culture that I came from "before". He is right-wing, suburban, and happy. He is not plagued, as I am, with this relentless drive to self-critique. He gave me the best pep talk of my life.

He reminded me that this is part of being 27. Everyone looks at their life and says,"Oh my god, I'm not a kid. What is my direction?" He reminded me that I am still young, and still have a life full of possibilities. He reminded me that I am no longer surrounded by people who want to hold me back. He reminded me that I am a good artist. He reminded me how hard I worked against impossible odds to escape my marriage, while other people were doing "school" and "career". He reminded me that I achieved that goal.

He went on to tell me the story of the actress who plays the nightclub owner on the Sopranos. She was sewing patches cut from guns n roses teeshirts on jean jackets and selling them. She combed thrift stores, and was making stuff, and was making a little business. That business gained some success, and then she got a bit part on Sopranos. That part turned into a key character. Then, her rock star designs really soared. The POINT is, she started small, and kept plugging and plugging. And B. reminded me that it can happen to me, too. So, it's going to be different around here. It's going to be uncomfortable and scary, but watch out. I'm going to start being what I though Marilyn Manson already was. PS. B's reaction to this writing," I think you are way too hard on yourself."

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