Written @ 5:40 p.m. on 2007-07-15
Burn out
A storm is building outside my window and it makes me jittery, like a moth beating its wings against a lantern. I've been in a bad mood all day. B. and I have had a stomach bug for the past couple of weeks that makes us "sub-sick". This is a phrase I have created...not quite sick, not quite well..."sub-sick". Just feeling sub-par. Spent most of the weekend resting, and yelling at the kids.
It is with a good dose of irony that I report that I am getting burned out with the kids. It only took...april, may, june and half of july to get there, so that's not so bad. I prayed and prayed for my ex to leave us alone, and now, he finally has. He takes them for an hour or so at a time, at his own convenience. I have no family around, school ended,and I started "working" from home. We are together ALL OF THE TIME. You get what you ask for.
Perhaps I'll send them to vacation bible school just because it's free and it will get them out of my hair! Well, it hasn't gotten that bad yet. Why don't we have Wiccan Summer Tree School? Where dirty hippies come and take your kids and teach them how to commune with nature? Is that boy scouts? I don't know.
I keep thinking about all of these things I can do, but they all cost money. I am in a very bad spot for the next month or so. I'm feeling annoyed that B. doesn't have a real job that pays real green money. I am feeling sad that I lost all my stuff in virginia, and I no longer own anything with resale value. I had to call my mom to beg, and she mentioned,"Well, I hope that man is enjoying the $20,000 worth of heirlooms he stole." Her words hit me like a knife in my gut. It is really my fault, but out of politeness she points her rage at the abusive men of my past. But, I know what she means. Although she has been in the north for 30 years, she retains her bit of southern belle snarkiness from time to time. Yankee style it reads: It's all your fault, but because I am the bigger person, I will help you, again. In the north, we don't beat around the bush.
B. tries to help. He came and vacuumed while I cleaned yesterday. He washes dishes when he sees them. He suprised me and scrubbed the kitchen down while I was sleeping, once. He drove them to dance. Once. The thing is, these chores are constant. I don't know what I should expect of him, because they are not his kids, and he doesn't live here. When you have a stepfamily, does the woman continue to do everything for the children, or does the man do things like take them to the park alone? And when does that sort of stuff happen, if at all? If I ask for help, am I out of line?
(shrug)
I need some community support. I'm overwhelmed. I wish I had a mom or sister or best friend in town.
I wish I could pay my own bills, but I know that I will be able to in a few months.
I wish my ex were a human being. The girls called him all day today, and I have yet to get a call back.
I need a tribe.