Written @ 7:25 p.m. on 2007-07-31
PFA
The PFA (restraining order) was rejected by the judge in court today.
The cop on the scene testified against me and LIED and LIED and LIED.
My ex lied, too.
The judge did the best that he could with the information presented, but what can you do if cops lie? If all the evidence is based on false testimony, what can you do? I wonder how my ex got him to do it. He is an ex cop, so he has his tricks, and he is a "townie." He knows people. His brother is politically connected. And, he is the greatest manipulator I have ever known. Maybe he paid him. These questions torment me.
So, I don't have a restraining order,which is liveable. What is not livable is the possibility that my ex will demand to go back to having the children one week at his house and one week at mine. That is what is currently the court order, but my ex brought the children here in April and has not enforced it. It could be enforced by him at any moment. It could be enforced by police coming and taking my children.
I tried to get his plan from him, to protect the children I would give him the girls, rather than have them go with police. He exploded at me when I asked. He is full of threats. He tells me he is bringing a criminal case against me. He tells me he is suing me for full custody. He tells me that he will see me dead, and he has the cops in the palms of his hands. He tells me that the cop I "accused" of lying is the son of the captain, and "now we are in HIS town." There is no repercussion for his threats. What am I going to do, file for another useless PFA? He scares me so much.
I'm just trying to distance myself enough to gain some perspective. So often what he threatens is smoke, but then again, sometimes it is not.
The children are very upset. It has taken all of the strength I have to pull myself together for them. To explain. To serve dinner. To tell them that if the police come, not to be scared, they just want to make sure that they get safely to daddy's house.
I have spoken with a counselor who will begin to treat me for PTSD again next week. I feel like my blood runs with broken glass. I'm having trouble functioning. I don't know if it is just flashbacks of the past traumas, or that I am so scared for the children.
I do have a team of supporters. My father. My mother. My sister. B. Boso. B's mom. I have resumed seeing the counselor that specializes in domestic violence that I saw last year. She has been a point of light. The guys in the pizza shop and the landlord have been good.
It is a good thing I don't write of paper. It would be blotted out by my tears.