Written @ 10:09 a.m. on 2007-08-07
stuff
Ok. It's tuesday. I have a million issues racing through my head. I never plan what I'm going to write, I just kind of spew. It's my diary, and I can spew if I want to.
Was supposed to file the change of custody papers yesterday, but forgot the time of the apt. Called to check, and their system was down, so they had no idea when I scheduled. Nice. Rescheduled for thursday. This I mull. Legally, I still have a week with me and a week with him schedule, even though I have had the children straight through since April. Last Sunday, my ex could have insisted on returning the kids, but he did not. That does not make me look like the terrible monster he tries to portray me to be, right? He didn't whisk the children out of my evil clutches immediately, even though it was within his power. He must not feel that they are so threatened. Well, it doesn't matter what he truly feels, it will not come off in court as if he feels that they are truly threatened.
He called and spoke to them yesterday, and left both of them crying after the conversation. That made me very angry. I was pretty much stifling my rage the entire day.
B. tells me that he is depressed. It is upsetting for him that he could not protect us from my ex's games. It is upsetting that he cannot fix it. It is his first exposure to my ex and his ways. He is not as callous as I am. He is also upset because his shoulder is still messed up, and he cannot wrestle. He goes to training and watches the other guys, and gets frustrated. Exercise is how he deals with things. Without that tool, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He has been troubled with nightmares. Yesterday we had a good talk about me and BoSo, which had to be done. Its definately beyond the realm of normalcy that I am spending so much time with an old boyfriend, but I assured him with the truth.
BoSo is a friend that I love, but I want to build a lifetime, strong foundation with B. Nothing goes on when B is not around that I would not feel comfortable doing in front of B. BoSo and I have had a business relationship much longer than we ever had a romantic one. I don't want to fuck up what I have going for me. I am building something great with B. It's weird, but B. gives me the complete freedom that I need to be myself. I have never had that before. That is one of the many things that make him so special.
He never makes me feel like I must be a certain way in order for him to love me. B has never said,"You can't...". I have been ordered around my men my whole life. It is so liberating to be able to lead my own life, and have a man who supports me in that. I would never want to jeopordize that.
I do love BoSo, but he and I have talks, too. Nothing sexual will go on. We will be great friends. He saved my life, and I feel indebted to help him now. In a way I am balancing two relationships, but there are certain lines I will not cross.