Written @ 7:28 p.m. on 2007-08-10
Dam Broke

Hi people! This is my very first entry from my new APPLE computer. I feel like such a creative professional! Yay! I must say, I really like the general vibe, although I hardly feel that I am educated enough to have a vaild opinion on this sort of thing.

Well. I am just about at my breaking point when it comes to stress, but I had a bit of a meltdown last night, and feel like the dam broke and a few things are about to be changed around for the better. I contacted my homeopath, who tells me that I am have gone into, for lack of a better description, a state of shock. The shock is not really about the validity of the current situation, but more about he paralizing fear that I will go back to the hell I once was in. And pulled myself out of one agonizing, hellish inch at a time. Seriously, I would rather die than go back. But, I remind myself, I can never go back. It will never happen again like it did.

PTSD is about "flashbacks" and courtrooms, and social workers, and scary envelopes in the mail send me right into a huge stress response. It's really....gross. Panic, anxiety, nightmares, cloudy thinking, extreme exhaustion and rage. I can tell myself to calm down but I wake up in the morning with the same full on fight or flight response I went to bed with, even though I tell my brain,"Listen, silly, you are clearly over-reacting..." It's like running one's self to death on a hamster wheel.

My homeopath is just a miracle worker, and she is sending me some remedies. She gives me some amazing thoughts to think about, and helps me heal myself from within. For free. Because she loves me.

My counselor listens, and understands because her specialty is women in my situation. She is trying to steer me into putting the children into counseling, but I am resistant. I don't want them to label themselves as victims, or "messed up". I will expose them to many adults who will offer a listening ear, and I will be very careful with what I say around them. I will watch, and see if the need for counseling arises, but...for now...not yet.

BoSo's foot is out of the cast, and he will begin driving himself around. B. was getting a bit antsy about all the time we were spending together, so this will relieve a bit of my stress. I love them both so much, but B and his needs must come first. B. is just going insane with his shoulder being out of whack. He hasn't been to a proper doctor, and I am afraid it will require surgery. And he has no insurance. This is what sparked my fury yesterday. His body is his livelihood, and he treats it like crap. What is the backup plan when he breaks his neck???

Another shift is that I asked my mom if she might like to have the girls visit with her and my dad for a few days. She is going to take them the week after next, and then I can meet them for a little vacation at my family's cabin in the adirondacks. YES! YES! YES! YESYESYES!

I'm a little bit excited.

I've grabbed on to the idea that perhaps my estranged grandfather will leave me a million dollars.

Hey, you never know!

Tomorrow I will meet a fellow diarylander. (((Happy Dance!!!))) I only wish that this area wasn't so lame and I could show her some cool stuff, but it will be fun to chat face to face!

Thanks for reading. You may now resume your real life.

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