Written @ 1:06 p.m. on 2007-08-22
Rant
Well, chickadees, here is some astounding news. I know that you didn't see this coming. My ex did not pay child support this month. Probably has nothing at all to do with the little door kicking-in fiasco. My rent is due and I cannot pay it. My mom says she will help me if he doesn't pay by the first, and wants me to spend the money to drive six hours to the north this weekend. I was supposed to go to Ozz Fest today, but I'm working. I don't really have a hard on for heavy metal, but I did want to ogle all of the freaks, and spend the day hanging with B. and Silent Bob. I wlll have to save my freak ogling for the neighborhood pta meeting.
I'm getting really fat. I mean REALLY fat, which I didn't consider a problem because, a) my baby loves me just the way that I am, and b) who the fuck cares? But now all of a sudden I care because, hehheh, funny thing about getting monster-truck sized....my clothes don't fit. AND, (all together class), I can't afford new ones. Right! Gold star, class.
Plus side, because there is a silver lining to every cloud, if I thow out all the clothes that don't fit, and only wear like two outfits, then all of those monsterous piles of laundry will be diminished by one third. Good thinking. Pass the doritos.
I miss my babies.
I really hate living here and I want to move far away. I feel so unsafe since...you know. When the cops came, the neighbors came up to my ex and asked him what was going on, which I find infinately humiliating. God knows what he said. "Oh, my ex-wife, she's just being investigated for raping an old woman..." There is an apartment building facing my front door, and I feel like the whole place is judging me.
I found an article in newsweek online about a woman being let off from murdering her abusive husband because of PTSD symptoms. I'm not saying I'm murdering him! Stop! I am just saying it was in the news. I found this aspect of the article interesting, because I have found myself in the middle of a relapse...
"No matter how successful the treatment appears to have been, though, it may not last. "She may look normal now, but if she has an aggressive confrontation with a male in the future, all the symptoms could come back," says Kinzie. "These patients remain extremely vulnerable to re-activation." Anzia agrees. "You can be removed to a safe place and recover, but if you're presented with an event that's similar to the original trauma, that can trigger [the PTSD] again." Many World War II vets who managed their symptoms successfully for decades experienced "full-blown flashbacks of combat" after seeing "Saving Private Ryan," she notes."
Boy howdy, ain't that a fact.
So, I'm having a shitty, poor me attitude today. B. gave me a nice pep talk about how it is part of being intelligent and creative, every arist has some part of them that is depressive and disfunctional. He thinks it is adorable.
He's insane, too.
I think I'm going to stop trying to fight it and let it flow. Try the eastern approach of feeling the uncomfortable feelings. Or, maybe I'll medicate them. Shrug.