Written @ 9:22 a.m. on 2007-09-05
Stream of Conscious
I like the word Algonquin. It is an indian tribe, and the name of a dog in a book my father read to me when I was a kid. I think it sounds like the name of a fancy apartment building. I'm going to start calling the building I live in The Algonquin, and if I say it enough, maybe it will catch on. "Darling, there is a dinner party at The Algonquin, are we free?" I could name a kid Algonquin,Quin for short, but then you get into the whole politics of people naming their kids after indian tribes, or their cars...that's kind of icky, I would say.
I watched the movie OFF THE MAP two times yesterday. I am obsessed with this movie. Every character is an aspect of my personality...the angry daughter, the earth mother, the depressed separatist, the new england guy in a tie...they are all parts of me that I can relate too. It is set in beautiful New Mexico, where I will someday live. B. watched with me, and strummed on his guitar. He left it here last night, and it's nice to see his guitar at my place. I like to see him feel at home here. He showed me some of his lyrics that he wrote years ago. They are all suicidal and overbrimming with hate. This amuses me, because I find him so annoyingly optimistic now. See what making love to me on a regular basis can do for a man? : )
I'm doing very well on spending no money. Yesterday was the first day of school, and P's very first day of kindergarten. It was beautiful, and she was very excited and brave. We qualify, of course, for free lunch, but I hesitate to sign them up. There seems something stigmatizing about free lunch. I'd rather pack and suck it up.
N. loves tomatoes. B.'s mom sent over some yellow tomatoes from her garden, and I sent N. to school today with a yellow tomato sandwich. I think she'll be the coolest kid in school with a yellow tomato sandwich.
N. is getting to the age where she just wants to be like everyone else. She told me she wants LUNCHABLES. When I was little, I asked for lunchables, and my mother told me,"Oh, Hil, those are for children who's parents' don't love them." I didn't grasp her sarcasm, and I was thoroughly horrified. I never asked for them again.
I have to remember to tell her that the coolest kids aren't following the pack, they are doing what they like, and the other kids follow them. I fear she has the makings of the mean, popular girl. How could someone as surly as I am give birth to someone with so much school spirit?
I made vegetable soup with the rest of the veggies she sent, and a little of this and that from my larder. Saving money, saving money. I need to start making money, making money. I think the balance between work and home will come, once I get into a rhythm of things. I hope.
Today I have mediation with the children's father for custody. The last time he refused to mediate. It was beautiful. I'm looking forward to the same sort of display today, and I'm pissed that I have to miss scheduled work hours for this...what do they call it...I want to say puppet show. Facade. Masquearade. Total waste of my time. What have you.
Yesterday, I asked N. to tell him I would be a bit late because I had to drop P. at school, and she said,"Ok, I have no idea what she is talking about..." and he said,"Me neither." So, maybe he forgot. Maybe he won't be there at all. I didn't call and remind him. This is big for me. I need not try and make him responsible. His irresponsiblity is his own problem.
I'm thinking about the camp, and how nice it would be to be rent free. My rent is VERY high, but I do love my little place. I always have the itch to move. I'm a gypsy. Someone told me that was a capricorn trait, like a goat, always climbing.
How and when do I tell him? How and when do I make it happen? Not for a while, yet. Just gotta keep dreaming.
I was surprised no one had anything much to say about my last entry. Am I boring?