Written @ 8:09 p.m. on 2007-09-07
I don't make this stuff up...
Last night, I got into bed to go to sleep, and I just started crying and crying and crying. I think it was the relief, and the anger, and the stress leaving my body. I gave blood yesterday, and it was just terrible. Something happened, and the blood wasn't going, and a dozen different nurses came and wiggled the needle in my arm. Then it would stop again, then they would wiggle it around again. Then it would stop. Wiggle. Stop. Wiggle. Watching the needle go in and out made me feel faint. Now I have a huge bruise, not because of a broken vein, but from the nurses jamming the needle around. It was a nightmare. I don't know why I do this shit. The stress of working at a new job, caring for the kids, school starting, my ex and his attacks, needles being shoved in my arm and not having money just weighed me down. When I got the good news about my case, and my mom's good news, it reminded me of the movie Pursuit of Happiness. When the protagonist finally reaches his goal, he doesn't jump up and down. He is too worn. He just cries.
I freaked out B. Men are so simple with their emotions. Black. White. Women are rainbows, shadows, nuances of color, emotionally speaking. I'm staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down, and B.'s like, "You are happy, right?"
"Yeah." I say, staring at the ceiling, "Don't worry. I'm ok."
My mom tells me that she will be giving me enough money to cover a few months rent around Xmas, when she receives her payment. I will receive an inheritance from a grandfather I don't ever remember meeting. See, the Secret works! Money can magically appear out of the clear blue sky! I will start to receive the child support I am truly owed, and I will continue making money from working. There will be an end to this hand-to-mouth bullshit, if I can just make it through the glorious, burning fall. I can. I will. I will make a game out of it.
I love fall. I'm so glad it's here. I've been walking the half mile to school, and then back, three times a day...three miles total. I love to walk. I'm hoping it will help my stress levels, and it gives me nice, quality time with the girls. Today was very hot, and the girls were red-faced and sweaty by the time we approached home. I stopped into the pizza shop to buy them a celebratory soda for successful completion of their first week of school, and my friend behind the counter gave it to us for free! Wasn't that nice? Another three dollars I can put to a better use.
B., oh my god, applied for a job today. The man has not had a job other than wrestling in....well....a long time. He looked breathtakingly handsome in his black polo and cream-colored shorts, his head freshly shaven and his goatee looking strikingly like Anton Levay. I don't know when he is going to work, with all he does with the training center, but I guess the bruises on my arm put him to shame enough to try for something extra. Plus, the perfect job came along. They are hiring at the adult video store. Heh heh heh. I swear to you I don't make this shit up. This is my life. Every day it's something new.
No wonder I'm so tired.