Written @ 10:02 a.m. on 2007-09-14
Sunny Day
Yesterday I had a big self-hatred day, in case you couldn't tell. I was wallowing quite nicely when B. aptly pointed out that I am exhausted. It hadn't even occurred to me.I have been staying up til 2 and 3 selling computers on the phone, and then getting up at 7 to get N. ready for school, walking back and forth from school 6 times a day. I'm working, playing at the playground, entertaining neighbor kids, cooking balanced dinners, packing lunches. scrimping and saving every cent, fighting my battles with the bunny, and trying to clean, too. Oh, yeah, and being a lover to B. And trying to do some art. It also takes considerable energy to be as pissed off as I am at my ex for suing me for full custody.
My friends have been calling, and I haven't been returning calls. I called my mom all hysterical that I didn't want to go to the memorial service, that they are going to laugh at me because I'm fat, and she said,"What the fuck do you care what they think? They've been living off other people's money their whole life and never did a good thing in the world ever. Your uncle spent a good amount of time in a mental institution, and I'm not talking about just 30 days, honey. I'm talking LONG time. Fuck them! If you told me you felt intimidated by (my favorite aunt) then I'd say, well,you are only 27, some day you will be as great as her. If they say anything mean to you, just imagine them naked. I assure you, they are FAR, FAR more insecure than you, that's why they act that way! Their greatest acheivement in life is being thin. We aren't staying over night. We are in and we are out, the less time there the better."
Ha! My mom is awesome.
I slept and slept and slept yesterday. I cried and fought in my sleep. I dreamed that I was in that pit of hands in the movie Labrynth, and everyone was tearing at me. B. came in late (or early) with a rose for me from his mother's garden. I'm starting to think that he isn't human. He is too perfect. He forgives my every flaw and praises even my tiniest acheivement. He holds me through my night terrors in our tiny single bed. His friends were ragging on him about whether he is "getting any" after being together for nearly a year and a half. We are the same as we were the first month that we met.
Yesterday, I walked to school to pick up the girls,and he ran a half a mile to catch up with me on my walk. When he caught up, he said, gasping for air,"I didn't want to wait. I want to spend every minute I have with you. I love you."
Things look better after a good night's rest, and with the support of loving people. Plus, Smash, I've been practicing your witty retort for the big day. (see yesterday's comments)