Written @ 8:13 p.m. on 2007-10-03
Totally The Most Disgusting Entry EVER
WARNING: THIS ENTRY CONTAINS TOO MUCH INFORMATION, UP TO AND INCLUDING GYNECOLOGICAL DETAILS
I spent six hours waiting to be seen in the ER last night. When I was finally seen, three doctors came and looked at my twat, and shrugged, and told me to see my gyno.
Totally fucking awesome.
Here's the back story. Been sick for about three weeks. Sinus, ears, skin freaking out, stomach and back pains. Went to B's doctor, who thought I might have colitis, and sent me for blood tests.
Didn't get the blood test because I felt to sick to even manage navigating to a new place, and I 'm kind of getting tired of being stuck with needles, so I went home and spent an agonizing day and night in bed.
The next day, I went to get P from kindergarten. I am standing with all of the parents in front of the school, and all of a sudden, I feel a gush, and my pants are wet. REALLY wet.
I hadn't peed. It was kind of like my water broke, but I don't have any water to break. I am NOT pregnant.
I was too frightened to be embarrassed, and after I got the kids I quickly skidaddled home and called the doctor.
The doctor didn't answer. The nurse said he would call me around 4. He didn't call me, so I went to the office. The nurse told me to do directly to the ER.
I have no insurance. I begin to panic. I wasn't in any sort of pain. In fact, I was feeling generally all better. Whatever it was, was out of me. Perhaps I was posessed by a devil? It left me and I am now FREE!
But then again, what if it was cancer? Or ebola? Or AIDS? Or elephantitis? I've seen pictures of that and it can get pretty bad. The nurse had offered to call an ambulance for me, which kind of alarmed me, since I felt ok. Maybe she knows that I am soon to die, and just didn't have the heart to tell me?
These are the fears that kept me in an ER waiting room for six hours. B was with me, the angel, and held my hand the whole way.
Finally, they take me in. They give me a hospital gown, which I try to model sexily for B, but we soon realize it's all sexy NURSES, not sexy patients. Ever. Patients are just not sexy. And, that I should shave my legs every once in a while. Shaved legs are actually more important than the cliched necessity of cute underwear, because they make you take the undies off way before any cute, rich, doctor types come anywhere near you.
At least I had scored my own TV, and got to watch LA INK. In entirety. I had plenty of time to relax. I asked B to try and find me some water, and he went away for a while, and then reappeared empty handed.
"Everyone is running. Several people told me they would get it, but I don't think you are going to see it."
I drank from the faucet with my cupped hand, and felt lucky and grateful that I wasn't a trauma victim, but just had some hoohoo problems.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
At last, three doctors arrive and take a look. I asked them if they saw something terribly wrong. Terribly, terribly, wrong!
"Um, ma'am, uh, Hil, is it?"
"Yes?
"Um, it seems as though....well, it appears to be...from what I perceive...."
"Yes?"
"Everything looks totally fine."
"WHAT! Look again, my friend."
(Clicking of the speculum...)
"Well...uh....hmmm....maybe....that could be...ummm."
"Could be what?"
"Well, you must have had a cyst or an abcess rupture, but I don't see any evidence of where the rupture occurred. We are going to take a culture for ghonorea even though we know that you don't have ghonorea (sp?) because that is just what we do."
"Um, what?! Ok. Something very large ruptured inside me and you see no evidence of it."
"Yeah, you are probably fine now. Have a gyno look, but we aren't going to do anything. Have a nice day!"
"WAIT! I waited for six hours! No blood test? No ultrasound? No elephantitis?"
"I understand that this can be frustrating..."
Yeah, they taught me to say that shit, too, to frustrated customers....
"No. I'm not frustrated. I'm delighted to be fine, but...I had something. Large. It ruptured. And now you can think of nothing to do or that I need and I'm totally fine?"
"Pretty much. See a gyno. It might happen again, but it might not. Probably not."
So, that is how it went.
Can't wait to see the bill.
AND I lost seven lbs with the combination of a healthy, whole foods diet, walking about an hour a day, and being exorcised of my demons.
Really, I feel fine. I neglected to call the gyno today. Maybe tomorrow.