Written @ 8:56 a.m. on 2007-10-12
Two Princes Who Adore You
This is the entry where I am going to be really honest. I'm writing to try to figure it out, so please don't skewer me for being less than perfect.
This week I have had two men in tears, snotty gaspy tears, telling me that they love me and that they must marry me because I am the only one for them. Both of these men are awesome and amazing and perfect and I would be thrilled to be with either of them. These two men are my two favorite people in the world, B. and BoSo.
I love them both. They both love the girls. They are both creative and dependable and full of integrity. Any way I turn this puzzle I lose. I lose myself, my fiance, or my best friend, or some combination thereof.
Being me, I am honest with everybody. Both men know how I feel and everyone is in agony. I haven't acted on my feelings with BoSo, because it cuts me open to hurt B. It's not my style to be a wanton sexual being all over town. It's not even my style to be indecisive. I've never cheated, and I won't.
I sat B. down and I told him that I love two men and that I need some time and space to figure it out. He wasn't at all surprised. Hurt, devastated, but not surprised. I love him so much, and when I am with him I don't think a second about BoSo. I think, you are right! How could I consider such a stupid thing! Let's get married and have ten babies! Then, when he is not with me, I think... he's naive, he's immature, he is like having another child, I will have to take care of all of the financial burden of the family, I will have to take care of all of the burdens of the family...forEVER! This is not a game of finder's keepers! I am not indebted to him. I owe him respect and honesty, but I don't stay with someone just because they were there first.
BoSo has such a rich soul. I even nicknamed him BoSo, short for Beautiful Soul. He is much more complicated and much less predictable. I feel electricity every time I see, talk, or even think of him. I have tried to put him out of my mind for two years, but always those feelings are close to the surface.
B., being the saint that he is, says ok, date him, but if you sleep with him, it means that you have made your decision.
Today BoSo leaves for a week in Sweden. His lifelong dream is coming true. I tried to make him promise not to think of me during that week, only to have fun, but he wouldn't promise.
The Secret tells me that I personally manifest every challenge that presents its self. I can see how I brought this on myself. My ex told me that no one would love me because I was divorced, and had two kids, and that I was disfigured by the stretchmarks having a 10 lb baby left me. I wanted to prove him wrong, and now I have too many people loving me. I am loveable! Can you believe it? So, I've learned that lessson.
Now I have to figure out how I am going to handle the situation with out hurting the children. It is really hard to fumble through finding one's self with the earnest eyes of two little girls upon me. What do I want? Do I want to be married? Do I want a series of lovers? Do I want B? Do I want BoSo? Do I want neither? I feel like I truly love B, but maybe my feelings are wrong if I have room in my heart for another?
I've been lucky to be able to walk this fine line of having a boyfriend and a male best friend for as long as I have. I'm lucky that these are two such stellar individuals, no one is demanding me to do anything. Both tell me that they will wait as long as it takes. Just figure it out.
I haven't been able to think about anything else for two days.
Maybe I should delete this. It is so raw. Maybe you will have a comment that will help me. Part of me is ashamed.