Written @ 8:57 p.m. on 2007-10-16
Just another freak out
I'm writing because I am so pissed off right now I don't even know what to do with myself.
I -
-take care of my kids full-time, with no partner or family for assistance
-work three quarters time
-have been trying to make major food and exercise changes
-have been working with overcoming my ex's violence and sabatage efforts for years
-deal with court battles
-deal with some times of extremely limited income
-(create) and deal with relationship drama
-try to have time for art and nature and spirituality
Long story short, I'm feeling really overwhelmed today. I clean. It gets dirty. I clean. It gets dirty. I clean. It gets dirty.
I work. I'm broke. I work. I'm broke. I work. I'm broke.
I win with my ex. I lose with my ex. I win with my ex. I lose with my ex.
We agreed to every other weekend, so I emailed him, twice, about which weekend he would be starting, since the girls have a few pre-existing plans...no response. The girls call, twice. No response. Finally, they get him on the phone, and he refuses to talk to me. I grab the phone, saying,"Just tell me if you are taking them to xyz, so that I can buy tickets and have them ready...."
and he takes the opportunity to call me a cunt, and a bitch and remind me that I am whore, and have always been a whore. This induced a major flashback for me. He also tells me that he is NOT taking them for the weekend, and cannot forsee when he possibly could, and he may or may not see them friday night, when they planned to do xyz, which requires advanced tickets. By the time we were done, I'm crying, and the children are crying.
I had to quit work early today because the girls would not leave me alone, and both had major projects due tomorrow, and suddenly, they needed their hand held through every minute detail.
My kitchen floor is disgusting. My laundry is piled to the ceiling. My carpet is literally disintegrating, and all of a sudden (happy fall!) we have mice.
Walked three miles today. Really want a gallon of icecream.
Two gallons.
Fuck.
This, too, shall pass. My sister sent me flowers today, to congratulate me in my victory. That was awesome, and we had a nice trip to the park where I climbed a tree, and swung on swings, and carried P. on my shoulders for a good long ways. B has been beyond perfect, knowing that BoSo is in Sweden and that this is his "big chance". No word from BoSo, which is what we agreed, but I do wish I knew at least that he had gotten there safely and isn't locked in the closet of his internet girlfriend.
In one year I am moving to the country, where the girls and I will live a life that is more to all of our liking. We will have a dog, and a wood burning stove, and I will have a place where I can hold circle, outside.
If I chose B, which I know would leave me a happy, secure life, I don't know if I can live without BoSo. I want to ride on his harley, and learn to tattoo, and watch movies snuggled on his couch with his dogs. There really is no way to win this one. If I stay with B, I will never be able to hang with BoSo with the insane jealousy to deal with. God, this whole situation just sucks.
BoSo did give me permission to apprentice with someone else. I do need his permission, because it is very bad manners to work for the competition in the tattoo world. The thing is, BoSo gives me complete flexability with the kids. He has a kid friendly shop, and loves having them around. He always puts their needs first. Another shop will never do that for me. If I go to another shop, I will be creating new scheduling nighmares. If I go to a shop, there will be no BoSo.
Maybe BoSo is falling in love in Sweden right now, and will move there, and will become my penpal. That would break my heart, but might also be the best.
Fuck.
I'll be fine.
2 gallons of icecream, and a klonopin, would be heaven.