Written @ 1:14 p.m. on 2007-10-29
Potpourri
What have I been doing? Bleeding, mostly. I used an entire box of tampons in one day. Then, I fainted. I guess that little "rupture" thingie is creating a problem. I'm better today. Actually, doing the entire period in one day might be a welcome change, as long as I was perpared. B. was very sweet. Isn't he always? I was feeling bad about saying,"Poor me! I have my period!" and he told me, compared to most girls he knows, I'm probably the most lowkey about the whole thing. It's important to me, when I'm hemorraging to death, to at least be stoic.
I've been cheating a lot on the Weight Watchers thing, and gained a pound this week. It might be period related, though, right? I'm still eating a ton healthier than I did before, and exercising more. I have noticed a few changes in my body, and the scale is down 8 or 9 lbs in six weeks. Not phenomenal, but, hey, the right direction.
Last week, B's mom came over, and the house was trashed, the sink was full of dishes, there were toys everywhere, and my hair was half in dreads and half down, making me look rather like an insane escaped convict. I was really embarrassed. She never calls.
Last night, the house was sparklingly clean (you know, the whole spanking thing helped motivate the children a little...) and I was making a gorgeous, healthy dinner when she dropped by again. We had porkchops in orange sauce, sweetpotato chips, coleslaw and baked apples. B. was helping me, and the children were playing quietly, and it was ridiculously perfect. For one moment, I had my shit together, and a witness to prove it! It may never happen again, but it must have been "The Secret" at work, because I am sure last week I thought very loudly and clearly,"Why can't she catch me at my BEST, instead of my worst, for once???"
She had brought boxes and boxes of costume jewelry for the girls and I to have. I'm not much of a jewelry person, but it was very nice of her. She is always great to us, and like B, never criticizes. Her own beliefs are very conservative and based on small town experience, so I know that she doesn't agree with me on most things, but she likes me for some reason. Crazy. Maybe she just likes having the girls to play with.
I talked to BoSo last night. He had surgery to remove the hardware in his foot last week. I called him. I didn't want to end it as,"I hate you. Don't ever talk to me again," like I had. We talked at a more cooled down place, and I needed to hear him talk, instead of me yelling. Instead of talking to me over the din of a party like before, he even left his livingroom where he and a dude were watching a movie, and went upstairs, on crutches, to talk to me.
He told me that he is upset, that he is sorry, and that he is definately moving toward building his life in Sweden. He is really sorry to lose me as a friend, that I have been a great friend, but obviously, it is too difficult.
I felt better. I guess in my mind I thought of him sneaking off, partying and laughing at me and my misery, and I needed to put that it rest. He told me he didn't call me because even when he returned to the US he hadn't made his decision, and he didn't know what to say. It came out so bad because he just spurted that out on the spot, without thinking. He admitted he is a disaster when dealing with people, close. Bullshitting customers at the shop, he's a pro at, but any closer than that, he is certifiably handicapped. That being said, he's still an asshole who I don't need to deal with anymore. We made peace, and its done. Nobody hates anybody, and it's all tied up in a tidy bow of finality.
B. is going to read this, and may be upset that I called him, but I'm working on this total honesty thing. If I'm honest about stuff even when it's inconvenient, it may be painful at first, but its better in the long run. That's how long term trust is built.
I hope.