Written @ 7:30 p.m. on 2007-11-19
The Pit
I'm starting to hate this layout. I'm tired of looking at that ass.
I fell into the pit of depression today. That is a cliche, but "I was depressed," just doesn't cut it. No, no, this is the kind where the kids think I have a bad cold because I can't get out of bed because the only place where no bad things can happen to me is under the covers. It's paralyzing. Literally. I cannot move. I cannot think.
I got up early and got dressed up and walked to school in the snow (because I like to!). I was pretty much shaking with fear of facing down the ex in this sort of public situation. Found out much too late that it was too slushy/icy to be walking around in heels. Had to hobble the half mile. Get there, find out it's the wrong day. Then, I break a heel. Then, I walk home in the slushy ice with one and a half high heels feeling very, very dumb and like my mother should have left me on the mountain to die as an infant.
Pretty much.
Now I have to go tomorrow, and it took all the strength I had to go today. Last year, they started without me (early), with my ex's wife presiding from my ex's speakerphone on his cell as if she were the mother of my children. My ex had informed them that I wasn't coming, which was all the more hysterical because I had called and reminded HIM of the appointment. So, I'm really so so looking forward to what will go down after the little fiasco over the weekend.
Looking forward to it so much so that being functional and working as I planned was more than I could bear. I'm not sure if it is anticipation of the future that gets me, or pain of the present, or memories of the past. Occasionally, when my ex does something, my brain just goes into lockdown.
I also spoke to my lawyer about my ex's insanity over the weekend, and we agreed that it comes down to this. He is insane, and we have to live with him. He's not going anywhere, and even if we move, he will still bring pain and misery into our lives. We have to learn to live with this chronic disease. So, I guess I am going to look for some more support services for people who's lives are made difficult by soulless vampires.
Suggestions?
1)Communicating only by email so that there is documentation of every interaction.
2)Keeping lots of stable adults around for the girls
3)Getting to the place where I don't need his childsupport for basic bill paying
4)Telling the girls the truth, difficult as it is. When he tells them bs, I have to step in and counter it, even though sometimes it is more convenient to just allow them to believe his lies.
5) The lawyer wants me to get a child psychologist, but I am against it.
B. had taken the girls out today, so that I could "work", When they returned, he had helped them make cards for me that said,"Best Mommy in the World" and wrapped up figurines that they had picked out for me from the dollar store. It was so beautiful, I cried. My family ROCKS! I have the greatest family. I am the weakest link.
He also forced me to go to the gym. Working out is one of the best cures for depression. I like looking at the magazines while I pedal away on the bike. Today I read a travel magazine about a traditional indian arranged marriage while I worked up my sweat. It took my mind off of things for a while, and I felt the burn.
I felt restored enough to put together a healthy dinner of chicken and salad with dried cranberries on top, with chocolate pudding and cool-whip parfaits for dessert. The girls are tucked in, and I'm going to work until midnight.
Sorry so whiny. I'll get over myself. Promise. Today I am more grateful for B. than every before. I told him that if wrestling doesn't work out, he may have a future in helping people with depression. He is so nonjudgemental, but firm. He is the only person who can help me when I'm down, not just by saying,"it's not so bad honey," but more like,"I'll be here at four oclock, have your workout clothes on. I'll take the kids until then so you can have a break. I love you." That's concrete help that at that point I'm not even capable of asking for. Such an angel. Yay B!