Written @ 9:08 p.m. on 2007-12-17
Ho Ho Ho (Get the fuck out of my face)
Feeling the holidays like an anchor around my neck. See, my family expanded exponentially this year. The girls giggle gleefully,"We have so many people who want to see us over the holidays we don't even know what to do!" Yeah, great, kids. And I've got to gift them all.
I started with a brother, and my brother became a brother, a SIL (very nice) and a cute baby. My sister did the same (yeah, the baby is cute. I saw some flickr pictures.) So, ok, what was two gifts MY WHOLE LIFE is now six. Then I got a boyfriend. I like him a lot. He has a SUPER AMAZINGLY GENEROUS family that is spending all kinds of money on the kids all the time...so there's four more sets of gifts that will never be big enough because these people are just so giving to us. We are at ten. My ex's parents came back into the picture, suddenly...twelve. Did we forget my parents...fourteen?
Then, of course, I had two kids. The kids are supposed to be "what christmas is all about", but honestly, I know that the relatives are going to go so insane with the giving , I don't worry on being explosive. Just something from me, and something from Santa. Sixteen, plus Santa gifts, so that's pretty much like 18.
EIGHTEEN GIFTS! Did I mention that I'm not on welfare, but that I pretty much should be? I know lots of people give a lot more, but my list was always kinda short until BOOM! Pah-dow! 18 Mutha Fuckrz, boyeee! And I love them all! I WANT TO BUY THEM ALL PORSCHES! I can't.
I usually don't feel poor, but these holidays make me walk around in the (gasp! choke!) mall. Some bitch today in a mall kiosk offered me wonderful hair products as I walked by..um, see these dreadlocks? What am I going to do? Spray them with Aquanet? The dreadlocks are a large social statement that says DON'T OFFER ME ANY MORE OF YOUR STUPID $37.00 PRODUCTS! See? I'm getting a bit hostile. I need to chill.
Why did I go to the mall? Hil, you say, why would you punish yourself in such a way? Because, my darling sister wanted peppermint bubblebath for her birthday, and I dragged the family to Bath and Body to get some. There, P, my sweet angel, discovered that American Girl (you know we are obsessed) makes lipgloss. This was November.
Every other day, since November, P, my sweet angel, has been asking me to take her back to get the lipgloss....For Her Sister. "Don't forget, Mom." "It's the perfect gift, Mom." "N. will just flip when she sees it, Mom." It's precious. The beautiful, giving child is right, N. WILL flip. So, in the spirit of a giving child....off to the fucking fuckity fuck fuck mall I go. Of course, I picked up two, and I kissed P. a thousand times for being so thoughtful.
Yeah, I'm buying my seven year old pink shimmery lipgloss. And my five year old. Fuck off.
Ok, so the other day we had an ice storm, and I couldn't find the scraper, so I told the kids to look for it. They were sitting in the back seat, and discovered that if you pull on the back seat you can get into the trunk, WHERE THEIR SANTA GIFTS ARE! So, yep, they discovered the santa gifts.
THEY DISCOVERED THE SANTA GIFTS!
THEY DISCOVERED THE SANTA GIFTS!
Oh, no.
I don't have a backup plan. I don't have money to get something else, and say that gifts in the trunk are from me. At this point, I want to kill my ex. He owes me two thousand dollars. I played it off like I had no idea how they got there, which even my little one completely saw through, and then I panicked.
I was storming around the house, smashing things around, when B. discovered me. I gave him my whole Lucy Ricardo sob story,"Wahhhhhhhhhhh!" He holds me. He kisses me. He tells me it will be ok. He tells me it's not about the gifts. The strength of our family is what Christmas is all about.
"But, I need a PLAN! Waaaaah! What am I going to do! The holidays make me feel poooooooor!"
"It's going to be ok."
"How! How! They won't have a Santa surprise! Waaaaaaahh!"
"Ok, Hil. Sit down. I wasn't going to tell you this, but now I've got to tell you before you pass out."
I sat.
"When you are in NY with your family, my dad and I will be sneaking into your house, and setting up a forty gallon fish tank, with rocks, and a little pirate castle, and fish and the filter and everything. THAT can be their Santa. When you are in NY, we will leave a note from santa that their present was too big to fit in Mommy's car, because you know, Santa knows everything, but that it will be waiting at home..."
I grabbed him. I held him tight and I sobbed big snotty tears all over his chest.
"Thankyou," I whispered.