Written @ 5:05 p.m. on 2007-04-25
Who can I fight with?
This is N.'s piece from the first grade art show. It is called "A Fall Day". Genius!
I am in an incredibly bad mood. Incredibly. Do you see the computer smoking sulpher scented smoke? Yeah. That's me.
My children spend one week at their dad's house and one week at mine. My x has wanted me to disappear off of the planet, so I have had to fight for every second with my children. I just got offered what I have wanted all of these years. Full custody. But it was kind of in a passing, off handed kind of way,"Yeah, I've decided you should keep the kids...yeah...talk to you later..."
In the words of Cartman's mom "What-what-what-what?!!!" Then he disappears and doesn't answer his phone.
So, you know, I'm flipping out. I'd have to rearrange my whole life. I'm worried about money, and time, and my relationship, and having to negotiate with my x, and see him all the time when he is dropping them off and picking them up in the afternoons, and maybe he was just hallucinating and he will take it all back tomorrow!!!!
Hey! Jew in a death camp! Want a steak and baked potato? Ok, call you tomorrow! Unless I forget!
So, I call my super-cool-best-lawyer-in-the-world-she-might-be-my-friend-if-she-wasn't-my-lawyer lawyer. She is out of the office. Her new baby is sick. I have to freak out alone.
B. comes over. I am sitting in a little ball on a stepstool in my kitchen, nervously spinning my cell phone around in my hand.
B. loves me. He is a very good man, and he is very good to my girls. He just is a little nervous around kids. He has never been around kids. So, I had to just emotionally throw up all over him, like Lucy from I Love Lucy, "Waahhhhhhh!"
"You don't love my kids and they are going to be here all of the time and you won't marry meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! And you don't even have a real job and you have no responsibilities and why would you ever want to live here because I have chores and a job and an hostile ex and screaming kids and responsibilitiiiiiiiiiiiiies! I do 700 things before you wake up in the morning! LIFE IS NOT FAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIR! You don't even have to feed your own dooooooooooogggg! Why would you ever leave your powder puff life to join my life of hard fucking work!!!! And my ex could change his mind tomorrow and this is tortuuuuuuuuuuuuure!"
I'm being real here. I'm revealing a bit of myself to you, allbeit unattractive. Be supportive.
He looks at me, blinks, and with a totally straight face says,"You worry too much."
Then, because I was restraining myself before, I really lost it.
"I worry because no one takes care of me. I worry because my ex went into my house, stole what he wanted, and burned the rest. I worry because if I don't pay the electric bill we don't have lights. You have never had a fucking thing to worry about ever in your whole life! How the hell do you do it?!?"
And, reasonably, because he is always reasonable, he says,"I don't think you can throw in my face that I have had a good life."
He drives me crazy. He tried to cancel his dinner plans with his parents to stay with me, but I insisted he go. He kissed my eyes and told me he loves me, and was gone.
Guh. He doesn't even get mad. Who can I fight with?