Written @ 9:27 p.m. on 2007-11-20
vent
Entry Number Two for the Day
Hello. This is your depressed friend, Hil. She is a grey, round ball with a smile drawn on, like those cartoony commercials for anti-depressants. Today I was reduced to eating Cherry Garcia and watching the movie Knocked Up in a desperate attempt to find some sort of endorphins way down deep. I HATE comedies, but I think Knocked Up was pretty good. A little too saturated with LA culture, which I find so uncreative in a film, but of course I can relate to the subject matter.
Technical issues with my computer kept me from working, but it's fixed now. Broke the belt on my new vacuum. Had some laughable customer service from the vacuum hotline people. Hung up laundry. Put labels on pumpkin marmalade and pumpkin trailmix. Tried to make love, but my body wouldn't go there. Kind of like not being able to get it up, but for a girl. B. took this very personally, although I tried to tell him that it was just the depression. I looked back in my journal, and discovered I've had these symptoms since the beginning of november. B. tried to drag me to the gym but I told him that I would not move from the couch because bad things happen outside. He went to the gym, couldn't find a parking spot downtown, and ended up coming home. I tried not to say,"Toldja."
Pop-pop took the girls for the day, and came back with an artificial christmas tree for us. Wasn't that nice? I gave him school pictures of the girls, and a hug. He isn't talking to his son, my ex. The girls went to the movies and out to lunch, and seemed to have had a great time.
While the girls were out, my ex made the unfortunate mistake of calling and acting like everything was cool. Here is the transcript-
"Hey, how did they do on their report cards?"
"Excuse me? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? You don't pay child support, you cancel visitation midway through and make the girls cry, you scream at me in parking lots, you don't show up to parent teacher conferences...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!?!?! You want to know how they are doing in school? They are both failing their classes, and are going to be expelled." Click.
I can never do this sort of thing while the girls are home. Boy, it felt good. I didn't pick up when he tried to call back, either.
In other things that are pissing me off, my mother decided that she is going to build a real house on top of the cabin in the adirondacks, using her inheritance. They cannot build a separate house, because of zoning you can only build where an existing structure stood.
I expressed my concern that, in their upcoming golden years, it will be difficult for them to drive 3 hours up there, difficult for them to deal with the snow and ice, and god forbid they had a medical emergency...there is no family closer than four hours away, and there are no doctors of any merit for an equal distance. My dad has already had a very bad experience in the country hospital an hour south of the cabin. My mother needs shots in her eyes every six weeks, and seems to be likely to have macular degeneration. Who will take her to the doctor? Where will she stay? Who will help them carry groceries in 30 below temperatures, on ice? Who will help them when their car gets stuck in the snow, or mud? I would love to, but up there they have lots and lots of trees, and about as many jobs as they have taxi cabs or soy lattes.
The road is not paved, and is narrow, loose mud with a sharp incline where the shoulder should be. They aren't old now, they are in their sixties. In about ten years, they will be. Be in the country, ok. Be isolated from any support system, ok. Be in the country AND isolated from any support system...not ok.
The both expressed to me that they don't want to live up there, only visit. So, where WILL they live? In their home now? Closer to one of the children? Then it will be even FARTHER to the cabin. How will they get there????
Apparently, no one had ever thought of any of this. My mom pretty much told me that she was doing what she wanted to do because it was her money. I told her ok, I'd support her in her decision, but to please take these concerns under consideration in her planning.
This also annoys me because, although this house would be a fabulous, appreciating investment, this was MY FATHER's passion. My mom was there for a week in the summer, and two weekends the rest of the year over the past 20 years. My dad was there every weekend up until he got his motorcycle. The past five years he has barely visited. The house is going to shit, and if they had kept it up all of these years, because they are so "passionate" about the adirondacks, it wouldn't look like it does. Now they want to throw a hundred thousand dollars into a place they couldn't be bothered with since the turn of the millenium, and they won't be able to reach once they are unable to drive.
And, my mother tells me, if they leave the house to us children, we wll be forced to sell it, because none of us will be able to afford the taxes. Then, instead of a cabin that's going to hell, we actually have nothing.
These aren't wealthy people. They don't have money like this.
Now, my mom has told me, she isn't building the house, and she is very disappointed. She is hating me right now. I feel like the murderer of santa claus, but, with all of that money, she should be able to rent a house up there for a month every summer. Even if she goes to live with my brother down in florida, she could fly up here to me, and I could drive her up. I'll try to sell her on that over the holidays.
Writing helps. Sorry so "grrr" lately.