Written @ 8:17 p.m. on 2007-11-26
Gratitude.
I feel like writing.
I never did write down all that I am grateful for. This is the year that I am gushing forth in gratitude. I have eighty-thousand things to be thankful for. I am a burning star of gratitude.
1.) My ex, for the most part, left me alone, gave me the kids, and paid child support. Of course, we have room for improvement, but after years of prayer and hard work, many of my goals concerning the welfare of the children have been reached.
2.)I am grateful that I realized, deep down, that my ex is one of the scariest human beings that anyone I know has ever met or even heard about. It wasn't my fault and I didn't cause it. Leaving him was very brave, and perhaps one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. For years I tried to change him, to cure him, to change for him, to hide from him...it was not until I was able to live for MYSELF and not him, that I truly began to heal. That comes across sounding a little trite, but what I mean is, I thought about his reaction before I made any decision. "What will I eat today?" was "how will that effect the monster and his mood?" Seriously, he was in my every thought and I had to purge him out of my mind, and relearn what I liked, and what I wanted. I am grateful for getting my own mind back. I am grateful for surviving.
3.)I am grateful for my children. Is there a word 1000 times stronger than that? My children KICK ASS. Every day is beautiful because I get to share it with them.
4.) B.....what an odyssey we have been through this year. I want him, I don't want him, I want him, I don't want him....I WANT HIM! He has remained steady and I am the one who has evolved into being able to accept a stable, unconditional love. Thank-you, B. I am grateful for you.
5.) I am grateful for NATURE...shifting, evolving, growing, blooming, dying...I am a part of something larger, and when I take notice, I am astounded by the power, subtlety, beauty and mystery of what I consider to be The Divine. Every day, I learn more, yet I have only learned what I can fit on the head of a pin.
6.) I'm grateful for my dreadlocks, which are part of a larger concept. I am grateful to be in control of my own life...my life has so many options in front of me, which scares the shit out of me, but it is definitely better than the alternative.
7.) I am grateful for a good school for my girls. They enjoy it. It is diverse and progressive. We can walk there. Its free. Dig it.
8.) I am grateful that someone invented skiing. Even though I can afford to go only once a year, even though I have about as much form and skill as the thanksgiving turkey being thrown down the slope, skiing is my version of heaven.
9.) I am grateful for my curiosity and my sense of adventure. There is so much more mischief for me to get into!
10.) I am grateful for my health. It could be better, but it could definitely be worse. I'm going to work on it this year, and it is a luxury to be able to consider my health at all; a step up from "survival", which at one point was my goal.
11.) I am grateful for beautiful moments. My mother teaching N. how to sew a hem. Sleeping in B's arms, smooshed into our single bed. Walking the girls to school on a crisp morning, taking the time to properly stomp on the crispy leaves. Visiting the art museum and staring into the medieval paintings as if, if I stare hard enough, I will see back in time.
12.) Axl Rose. In a kilt.