Written @ 5:02 p.m. on 2007-11-28
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I am upset.
My ex sent me an email telling me that he will no longer have overnight visitation with the children because he is tired of arguing with me. He will see them for two hours on friday nights.
On the one hand, I am happy that the children will have less of a chance to be negatively influenced by him, but on the other hand, my heart aches for a man who can toss away his relationship with his children in such a manner. He just doesn't care.
I used to think that he loved me,he just had anger problems, he had hurts, he had issues, and then I realized he never loved me. He just used me.
Then I thought he used me because he loves his children, and he hated to think of them in harms way. He obsessed about them being in harms way, and he felt that he was saving them. He did all of this because, in his strange way, if he hurt me, he was protecting them. If he hurt me a lot, he was protecting them more. If he told the world I was evil, he was building more of a safe castle around his beloved children, keeping the evil dragon mother at bay.
Now, today, it comes crashing down on me.
A man so easily throwing away his vistitation with his children...
He never loved them.
He never destroyed me out of love for them.
He destroyed me just for something to do.
I loved him so much, and he hurt me every day in new and creative ways...just for something to do.
He stole what he wanted and burned the rest of what I owned. He took my children away from me for eight months, telling everyone that I was a horrible abuser. Then, I drove 3 and a half hours from new york to pa to see my children in supervised visitiation for two hours every two weeks while someone watched me with my children. I was there every time, early, with a smile on my face and a project to do with the children. I sang and played and giggled, even though it hurt so much that I was convinced that my soul was dead. I moved here. I starved. I worked myself into exhaustion. I carried my sleeping babies home from the babysitters at one am, through the snow to my second floor apartment, so that I could work second shift, and be available for them during the days. I slept on a futon and when it broke, I slept on a pallet on the floor. I ate ramen noodles while he wage attached my check for back child support. I was grateful for every second, because I was with my children again.
He lives twenty minutes away, and will see them for two hours on friday afternoons.