Written @ 8:49 a.m. on 2007-09-25
Stupid Blog
I've been thinking that this blog is kind of pointless. That I could be spending my time more productively, that it is greedily stealing time from my life. Still, it's an addiction. I need to dump my worries down on the page as if it were an altar. "Goddess, help me, I scraped through this day..."
I've got a sinus, ear infection kind of thing and I had the funniest dreams last night. In one of them I was a Native American whore, and I was wearing deerskin leggings. I was with this younger, married guy who I recognized as an old co-worker, only now in a new body, in another lifetime. How can one not believe in past lives when confronted with dreams like this? We were sitting on the front steps of a wooden building, getting it on under a buffalo robe. Later, his wife found us walking down the street together, and commenced to scream in my face. She wore a heavy, long skirt in a coarse, dark fabric. I thought it was so funny that white women wore those stupid dresses. I just giggled in response to her outrage. "How is it my fault that your husband visits fancy women?" I quite liked her husband, but it was a business relationship. We could see our breath in white puffs as we moved under the warm robe.
In real life, I did have a bit of a crush on my co-worker, and he was always complaining about his wife. In this lifetime I had the restraint to let sleeping dogs lie. I haven't had a passing thought about him in six months, but all of a sudden, he pops up.
I told B. about it. He wanted to play cowboys and indians this morning, but I had to get up and help the girls get ready for school. I have felt scarily close to B. lately. Like, he is no longer a lover, but a twin, an extension of myself. Part of him is always with me. Everytime he leaves my side I'm waiting for him to come back. I worried that this translated into annoying clingy-ness. He told me no, he feels the same way.
I'm terrified. He is not like the other men I have fallen in love with. Those men I thought would take care of me, would fix things, would make things better. B. feels more like a kid. He is penniless. He is guileless.
He is also physically incapable of cruelty. I have never met a man so gentle. He struts around on the stage like the meanest thing since mosquitoes, but truly, he is honest and kind.
I'm a little afraid of breaking him.