Written @ 10:02 p.m. on 2007-09-26
What? I can't hear you
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Well, my one eye has not stopped tearing all day. Just one. Kind of like an allergy, sinus thing. I can't see. It is raw from being wiped so much. I hope that it is draining some of the yuck-o out of my ears, because I'm getting that snap-crackle-pop feeling in my ears. If I am deaf tomorrow, it won't mean a lick to ya'll, because I can still write even if I can't hear!
Health insurance? I don't need your stinkin' health insurance.
What?
WHAT!? Speak up, Sonny....
Took a hot bath. Put the hairdryer up to my ear, which kind of helped, I think. Took a nap. Got some awesome, cheap Puerto Rican take-out for dinner, which I put on plates for the girls and let them take where ever they wanted to eat, and crawled back into bed myself. Got in massive screaming match with B. about his training center's negative profit margin. Tried to sell some ipods, without grossing out the customers with my sniffling. Quit early when I couldn't see the screen anymore with my tearing.
Nothing really exciting happens any more.
B. has a dream of running this wrestling federation, and every month it gets bigger and bigger. They run shows at the training center, they run bigger shows in a rented space, they attract more students, he wrestles for other federations, they sell dvds, they create a website, he works out and gets bigger....STILL taking a loss.
Every month he gets closer and closer...two more students sign up, one quits, have a great crowd at a show, someone steals the money from concessions, two steps forward, one step back.
It all started today with a wedding invitation. He doesn't have money for a gift. I suggeted he do a portrait of the couple, since he is such a talented artist. I did that for my brother, and they have it hanging in the entryway of their house. It was a big hit.
B. needs a picture of the couple, and no one in the family will hook him up, so we are going to show up with a card, saying he will do a portrait, but with nothing in hand.
I thought this was tacky as hell, and let him know I was, in summary, tired of his broke ass. What do I do? I truly adore him, but I am afraid that I will never, ever see a paycheck from this artist/dreamer. Is it the same as when one deals with a cheater-once a cheater, always a cheater? Now no paycheck, never a paycheck?
I don't know if I can handle that commitment. I don't know how I can love a person so much and be so god damned frustrated with him at the same time.
He won't move in because he can't afford too. He won't give me a ring because he can't afford to. We can't plan a wedding because we can't afford to. Obviously, I love him to pieces and fell in love with him penniless. Obviously, I can't change a man. Obviously, I need to figure out whether I can live with this.